apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
