she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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