The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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