He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
