just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
