He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
