when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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