she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
