There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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