I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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