The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
