I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
