Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I will pee on everything he values.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
