just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
