I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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