He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
