I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
