I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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