my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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