Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
