when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
