saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
