the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize