I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
