walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
