she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
