i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
