I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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