I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
