There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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