Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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