If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
