census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
