You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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