oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
