how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
well you can't waste a boner
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My vagina is very pro this idea
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