I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I don't deserve a penis
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
