The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
