Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
