you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
