it wasn't lemon gatorade
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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