if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
