he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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