new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
