please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
How naked do you want me to be?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
