Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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