Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
