I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Just puked most of my soul out..
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
