I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize