Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I am midnight drunk by noon
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
