someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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