can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
