He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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