nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
