giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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