I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize