My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
