i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
