You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
